On Constantly Having To Tell These People They Have The Wrong Number…

wrong number


I just got a new phone for Christmas, a Samsung Galaxy Exhibit and it’s a great phone which beats the crap out of my old Crackberry Storm with my chief complaint about it being Samsung could so something about the battery.

I mean, seriously, stare at your email for about five minutes on the Samsung and lose 65% of your battery life.

Enormous. Power. Drain.

Apparently the number I was assigned belonged to someone else, some girl named Ashley and the only calls I seem to get (aside from my wife and family) are calls asking for Ashley.

Suddenly, I’m Ashley’s answering service. How may I help you?

This has happened about six times already since December 29th when the calls for Ashley started rolling in.  I keep having to explain every time these people call that they have the wrong number.

So far I’ve fielded 5 calls asking for Ashley from everyday people and 1 from  what sounds to be like a debt collector.

Ashley…have you not paid a bill for a while?

Ok, I don’t judge. In these hard economic times, everybody’s getting behind on their bills, and most of us are just barely keeping up (myself included).

My take on wrong numbers are like one-night stands: they make you feel like you’re the most loved and important person in the world and then they’re gone, never to be seen or heard from again.

Frankly, I’m getting a little tired of telling these people they got the wrong number so I’m concocting ways to answer the phone when I see that it’s a wrong number coming in.

1. “Look, I just got the body in the trunk and I’m on my way out to the desert to dump it. Let me call you back when it’s done!”

2. “Where the fuck are you?!? Get your ass back home and help me take of these babies!” <make sure you have baby noises in the background>

3. “Pablo, honey?”

4. “Oh my god…didn’t you hear? Ashley died! We just got back from the funeral…”

5. Feign deafness/hard of hearing and get the name wrong horribly. “Shirley?” “Ashy?”

6. “This is Detective [make up your own name] from [make up police station/precinct]. We retrieved Ashley’s phone but we’re not sure where to find her. When was the last time you saw Ashley?”

7.  “Ashley? Oh…so that’s the name of the chick whose phone I jacked out of her car.”

8. “Ashley joined a cult. No, I don’t know when she’ll be back.”

9. “Wait a second, I’ll get her…[hold the phone away]..Ashley?! Whoa, Ashley, what are you doing with that gun? Put it down! PUT DOWN THE…”

10. “Yeah, this is her agent. For what? Oh, Ashley’s shooting a scene for a movie. The title? “Romancing The Bone 3″ and she’s doing a DP scene right now. Should I have her call you back?”

Ashley is so going to hate me for this.


On The Cure For A Dreaded Disease


It’s a deadly liver disease that afflicts 3 million Americans. There are treatments for it that rank somewhere between “poke in the eye with a sharp stick” and “Spanish Inquisition”.

It’s name is Hepatitis C and it’s my happy duty to report that it’s now entirely curable.

Yes, you read it right – there’s a cure for Hep C.

Science Marches On.

But…there’s a catch – the drug, Sofosbuvir, comes with a hefty price tag: $1000 a pill or $84,000.00 plus the cost of the companion treatments that go along with it.

The drug company, Gilead, says this is a fair price bringing this medicine to market while activists are upset that the cure costs so much.

I can sort of understand the point. The cure for polio could have made Jonas Salk a billionaire several times over but instead he opted to selflessly offer the cure to the world free of charge. At the time, polio was killing and maiming people (mostly children) at alarming rates so, in a very real sense, it was the right thing to do but Big Pharma learned a very valuable lesson that day: there’s no profit in the cure.

Which brings me to a very interesting question, Gilead: why even develop the cure? Why not simply make a pill that allows people with Hep C to live with the disease for the rest of their lives?

Perhaps I just answered my own question.