In Which I Ask An Obvious Question


In my last blog, I wrote the town of Dequincy, Louisiana had made twerking a crime but was careful to point out that the story was a hoax and that no such ordinance had been passed. I did this because I thought it was a funny story which certain of my readers thought so as well. But having further researched this story I have uncovered a disturbing pattern in which an individual or a group of individuals has made it their business to issue false press reports about this town for unknown reasons, possibly malicious. This sort of behavior is reckless, irresponsible and unfunny in the extreme.

Now I’m mad.

– William A. Ferguson, Blogger-In-Chief for The Noise

Welcome to DeQuincy, Louisiana. Population: 3,398 – a small town in southwestern Louisiana that sports all of ten restaurants and the only tourist attractions are All Saints Church, the DeQuincy Railroad Museum and the Old City Hall and Police Station.

In short, there’s not a lot here to see and do but that makes no nevermind to the fine folks who live here and yet DeQuincy has for the last year found itself the target of scurrilous press releases, painting it out to be a caricature of a backwards, out-of-step with the 21st century small Southern town.

Earlier this year, DeQuincy found itself the subject of a racist controversy when it was reported they had banned Koreans from town limits.  After that fire was put out, the good people of DeQuincy once again found themselves embroiled in yet another controversy when it was reported that schoolchildren in DeQuincy were going to be issued handguns in class, which prompted the Calcasieu Parish School Board to issue a statement:

We want to ensure you that this story is entirely false and we have no plans of arming our students. We take safety and individuals in our schools very seriously. Any conversation otherwise will not be tolerated.

Back in January of this year it was reported that the DeQuincy constabulary was working overtime. Reason: a rash of “whipping” incidents had gripped the town. For the uninitiated, “whipping” is the act of whipping one’s penis out in public and smacking against inanimate objects (such as mailboxes, trees, cars, etc).

No, I will not be posting a picture of it here. Google it.

And today it was reported that twerking is now a crime in DeQuincy, punishable by 30 days in jail for the first offense – and then they were really gonna have to get mean and nasty if they catch you doing it again.

For the record: none of these stories are true. Koreans are allowed to visit and take up residence in DeQuincy if they wish, the schools are not issuing firearms to the kids, nobody is whipping out their penis and smacking it against anything and twerking (though foolish) is still your constitutional right to do without fear of law enforcement hauling you off to the hoosegow.

So I have a question:

Why y’all picking on DeQuincy, Louisiana?

I have been to Louisiana. While I can’t say I care much for the climate it’s full of nice people who have a wonderful sense of humor, the cuisine is awesome and the architecture (French through-and-through) is amazing. Louisiana also is home to world class blues and zydeco bands.

I don’t like this at all. This town has done nothing to nobody and it certainly doesn’t need this negative press. I’m sitting here thinking of poor Mayor Lawrence Henagan who, rather than attending to the all-important business of running his town, spent the entire day on the phone fielding questions from reporters and no less than Michelle Obama.

Yes, Mayor Henagan got a phone call from the First Lady and you know when the First Lady calls, its officially a media circus.

Mr. Mayor, sir, I offer you my sincerest condolences on the negative attention your town has been getting this year. I can’t imagine why your town specifically has been the target of such outright smears and libelous attacks but this has gone far enough.

My hackles are raised over this because having read the comment sections of the articles I’ve linked to people tend to believe a lot of what they read on the internet and they believe everything they’ve read about DeQuincy, Louisiana. They actually think that your town is racist, lewd and more fundamentalist than the Middle East.

And it has to stop.

Mr. Mayor, sir, I call upon the press and bloggers such as myself to come to the defense of DeQuincy at once by turning their investigative prowess into unmasking the individual or individuals responsible for the slurs on the good people of your fine town.

I also urge anyone passing through Louisiana to stop in DeQuincy and spend some money there. Let these fine folks know the rest of the country cares about them.


9 thoughts on “In Which I Ask An Obvious Question

    1. Weren’t you the Chief of Police?

      Of course we both know you’re not and never were so if you are behind these articles, what gives?

      I know the article is obvious satire but why DeQuincy specifically?

      1. What gives? Did you not read what I just wrote?

        Michelle Obama called me today also to offer her sincerest condolences for the numerous threats I have received from the friendly town of DeQuincy.

      2. Yes, I read what you wrote. Allow me to rephrase the question:

        Why did you write the article about DeQuincy in the first place?

        Now, here at The Noise we’re staunch defenders of the First Amendment and the right to free speech and press but we’re also hip enough to understand that with such power granted to us comes great responsibility.

        That was awfully nice of the First Lady to call you and offer her condolences but I hope that she also gave you a stern talking to. If not, allow me:

        You may have freedom of speech but what you don’t have is freedom from consequences.

        While I don’t support their open calls for violence and mayhem, I do understand that they don’t want to be cast in the light you’ve cast them in.

        Hence, that’s why they’re pissed at you.

        EDIT: Probably wasn’t a good move coming out and admitting you’re the one behind this on my blog. If you think the folks in DeQuincy are pissed at you now I suspect the Mayor and City Council are exploring possible legal remedies against you, if any are there to be had.

        However, I doff my hat to your honesty and bravery.

  1. I write satire. Funny. Ha ha.

    One day I asked my friends, “What is the biggest shithole in the whole country that I could do a humorous story about a bath salt zombie attack?” (when the whole bath salt zombie thing was topical)

    They all agreed: DeQuincy, Louisiana

    So what started as one page turned into two and then three and then four as more and more ass beatings and death threats to my family and myself came to my inbox and were posted on my fan page. All documented. IP addresses, full names, Facebook profiles, phone numbers… everything.

    Then after all the death threats from that wonderful town of DeQuincy it was just a no-brainer what city I should put in my satirical articles in the future when I needed a real redneck, dumbfuck, shithole of a town.

    EDIT: Probably wasn’t a good idea the people from DeQuincy threatened my life along with the lives of my family

    However, your blog is new, it sucks and you talk like a fag. Not a homosexual mind you, but a complete and utter doffing douchbag.

    1. Yes, you do write satire and I thank you for giving me the topic of my next blog.

      Keep it tuned.

      BTW: The latter, of course, being entirely your professional opinion – right?

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