In Which I Educate Nigerian Scammers On How Things Work In America

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For the record:

I don’t hate Nigerians or Nigeria. What I do hate is that some of your countrymen have elected to turn to a life of crime on a global scale by bilking unsuspecting people around the world out of their hard-earned money.

I also hate the fact that, on the whole, Nigerians are strangely silent about this. This may or may not come as a shock to you Nigerians, but the fact that you are not being more vocal about these crimes perpetrated in your country tells the rest of the world that you accept and condone this behavior and it makes Nigeria look bad.

In fact, the very name Nigeria is synonymous with fraud. It’s the first thing people think of when your country is ever mentioned. Don’t believe me? Ask any foreigner. They’ll tell you.

This is a deplorable state of affairs, Nigeria – you have a serious image problem.

Before I begin today’s lecture, I’d like to take this opportunity to show you all what it is I like about Nigeria.

To wit:

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‘Nuff said.

And…

Can’t stop shaking my money maker to this one – absolutely love Olamide, this guy is great (and the video above is a brilliant commentary about the state of the music industry). As a musician myself, I’d love an opportunity to work with him (or, indeed, a lot of Nigerian artists).

And since I like beer:

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Great stuff, Star Lager!

Now, with that out of the way let’s get down to the all-important business of setting you scam artists straight about something.

One new tactic I see you scammers employing is threatening your potential victims with a visit from our Federal Bureau of Investigation, otherwise known as The FBI, when they refuse to hand over any money to you. I think because you’ve never spent any real time in America it’s necessary for me to give you the facts about our nation’s law enforcement agency.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation was created on July 26, 1908 under the name of the Bureau of Investigation (BOI) and, no, J. Edgar Hoover was not its first director (although he is certainly the most famous of the agency’s directors). That honor belongs to a man named Stanley Finch.

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One of its first duties was to monitor and police brothels across the United States in preparation of enforcing the Mann Act, or the “White Slave Traffic Act” – an act that made it a federal crime to transport women across state lines for “immoral purposes” of which prostitution was considered.

Apparently this sort of thing was so rampant in America that Congress was moved to pass a law against it.

Then, after some organizational reshuffling, the BOI was renamed the FBI in 1935 and then went on to make quite a name for itself by self-declaring a “War On Crime”, going after notable criminals of the age such as John Dillinger, George “Baby Face” Nelson, Kate “Ma” Barker of the notorious Barker Family Gang and George “Machine Gun” Kelly.

It wasn’t until about 1940 and the threat of Nazi Germany that the FBI was tasked with investigating espionage. At this time, and continuing until the 1970s, the FBI had arrested eight Nazi spies on charges of sabotage, assisted the British in their code-breaking efforts and arrested Soviet spy Rudolph Abel.

Aside from this, the FBI’s bread-and-butter (as it were) was organized crime. Going after the mob. You see, the kind of crimes that the mob was committing crossed state lines well outside the jurisdictions of local police forces. For example, a cop in San Francisco, California can’t go over to Miami, Florida and arrest a criminal for a crime committed in Miami because the crime occurred outside of San Francisco.

To this end, the FBI was created and given the power to cross state lines and jurisdictions within the United States. As a federal law enforcement agency, the entire United States is their jurisdiction.

Are you with me so far? Good.

The FBI is not an agency that runs down every criminal and every crime in America, as much as they’d like to. They simply don’t have the resources or the manpower to take on an enterprise of that scale.

Most of the time most crimes are committed locally and the FBI (rightfully so) leaves the investigation of local crimes to their respective local police force – unless the crime is serious enough (say, terrorism, mob activity or serial murders) to warrant their involvement.

Or if the crime in question goes across state lines.

So, when you threaten your victim with a visit and interrogation from the FBI because they wouldn’t fork over the money you’re trying to scam them out of, you look really fucking stupid making this claim. This is not what our FBI does – they don’t go after people over a dispute concerning small amounts of money.

They’re not the KGB, they’re not Gestapo nor are they a despotic secret police force that goes around giving American citizens a hard time. If you believe this is what our FBI does, you really don’t understand how things work in America.

So allow me to enlighten you:

If you want to make an impression on your victims what you ought to tell them instead of threatening them with the FBI you should threaten to get their local police or District Attorney involved or that you will petition for relief from their local courts in a civil matter.

See, that will get their attention and that the words “civil matter” are important for you to understand because here in America, when money is involved (that hasn’t been stolen or embezzled) we don’t throw people in jail when they owe it.

Perhaps that’s how things are done in Nigeria but not here.

It’s amazing that I am sitting here at my computer in California lecturing Nigerian criminals on how to properly conduct their criminal enterprise.

PS Just in case I didn’t make this clear as to what I really like about Nigeria:

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Let us all just sit back and enjoy the eye candy that is Oluchi Onweagba while we enjoy a cold Star Lager while listening to Olamide.

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